Diagnosis and medications

One of the challenges in managing manic depression seems to be the actual acceptance of the diagnosis. Despite repeated major episodes of mania, despite immense struggles with concentration and overwhelming fatigue, despite the fact that maintaining normal functioning took almost all of my energy, there was part of me that just did not want it to be so. Who would want to be "mentally ill"? Certainly I must be strong enough, self-disciplined enough to beat this thing, through sheer will power, by balancing my chi, with herbal supplements or acupuncture. Mindfulness meditation , exercise, enough sleep and a healthy diet combined with excellent therapy was going to reset my chaotic mind without needing the assistance of medication, hated for their side effects, numbing quality and mostly the fact that taking them was proof of the illness. So stubbornly I repeatedly, and against the wishes of several doctors, weaned myself off of Depakote, Zyprexa, then Trileptal, Lamictal and Depakote again. I gained and lost many pounds, cried every time I washed my hair because it was falling out by the handfuls and lamented the fact that I could no longer read more than half a paragraph, never mind write a sentence. It was miserable. Off of medication I would feel alive for a few months, just to get reactivated into mania as daylight hours were increasing and my need for sleep was decreasing. Soon enough I would be up for days on end, and life would start to take on a dreamlike quality, heralding another round of psychosis. Fortunately my wonderful and trusted friends and my doctor see things more clearly than me during those times and following their advice I begrudgingly turned to the one drug I had not yet tried: Lithium. I took bare trace amounts of it, 300 mg daily, was able to halt an episode in the making, and functioned well for a year. Then came chemical storm #3, with a vengeance and lightning speed. My baby amounts of lithium were not going to cut it, not anymore. So up and up I went, until I reached therapeutic blood levels at 1200 mg. Now I was dealing with acne for the first time in my life, and controlling my shaking hands can be a bit of a challenge, especially since I am a professional artist and teacher, who regularly has to demonstrate in front of students. But none of that was anything compared to the psychic pain that started to ensue. Lithium does well controlling mania and to a degree depression- but it does nothing for mixed states, and my crafty brain chose those as it's next adventure . Clearly so far the most intense suffering I have experienced, so painful, I was begging for medication. Anything to make it stop. So I did not put up the slightest struggle when I was put on additional ability, and lo and behold: a miracle. Within a week I felt great, or should I say normal, again, for the first time in 10 months.